The Dearth of Dick

Dear Cory:

I’m 21 and really horned up, but my regular fuck buddy is hesitating over this COVID19 thing. What can I do to ease his fears and get him over here to ride my bone?

Randy in Redmond

Dear RIR:

Cory feels your pain, and not in a remote, Clintonian kind of way.  We at HHCIB are always mindful of our social responsibility to you, our readers (but ultimately, of course, we are more concerned with ourselves).  You must brace yourself for the answer to your question.  Are you sitting down?

Cory’s thoughts about COVID19 come from an overflowing, gushing, cornucopic abundance of caution  — a veritable Niagara of prudence and forethought —  for apparently, just being studiously cautious is not enough these days, to judge from PR hyperbole.  Sadly, Cory must state, in regard to sex with your fuck buddy, that you should neither lick or poke his tender, puckered butthole nor orally engulf his ample genitals in the immediate future.  His moist, expressive mouth is off-limits too.  We realize the inconvenience this causes you, and regret it.  Please assure your “contacts” that quality service will resume as soon as the dead are mourned (try not to be among them) and advisories about safe resumption of such important activities are issued. Mutual masturbation, including dry humping, should be suspended for the nonce as well, since human arms and penises are generally too short for such activity to be conducted within “social distancing” parameters.  Toe-sucking (“shrimping”) is possibly safe, and is being reviewed under CDC guidance; it can be done within the two-arm-lengths rule, but only if at least five people are arrayed in a circle.  

There remains, for your partial satisfaction, the perennial font of porn.  Still and moving picture files you may find have doubtless been sanitized in a 10% solution of chlorine-based bleach and are safe for visual, but not oral, consumption.  Once you’re equipped with such imagery, we encourage you to masturbate as furiously and frequently as you usually do, to make sure you have enough self-love and your prostate is uncongested. You are encouraged to document this activity carefully in high-definition video for possible forwarding. We at HHCIB are always interested in our readers’ private experiences.

You will have already seen the phrase, “together we will get through this challenging time” repeated ad nauseam.  You can’t make Cory issue such false comfort.

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