How Hard Can It Be?

I’m a cop, and I gotta tell you about what happens when I use your smear called Penalty Box.  The guys on my pickup hockey team had some as a joke for hazing (we smeared it on the new guy after we pantsed him and I ended up with it after).  I thought it smelled real good in an odd way.   So I started using it when I was on duty.  Sometimes if I find some smartass gangbanger or punk perp whose attitude I don’t like I’ll take him in the back of the paddy wagon while my partner covers for me and I tell him to go down on my fat unit if he doesn’t want to spend the rest of the day in the slammer.  I call it attitude adjustment.   Sometimes they got real upset and a couple laid complaints about me, not that anyone cares.  But after I started with the Penalty Box, they get into it big time and now I even get little thank you notes stuck under my wipers after.  

I can’t use my real name.

I’ve been using Dirty Boy’s Deckhand ® for about a year now.  My girlfriend says I smell like a hatch cover on a tuna boat, but since I started smearing it on myself she just can’t keep her hands (or mouth) off  me.  My buddies used to call her Miss Frigidaire, but now they’re jealous and asking me what I did.  Thanks, Dirty Boy!

Willett Everby, Lincoln, NE

Your products are amazing.  I have tried them all, but Shotgun ® is my favourite.  I’m tied to a computer desk most days, but the way I smell you’d think I had just driven my pickup in from the duck blind.  My boss looks as me weird, though.

Doug Sinaroe, Redmond, WA

I used to have a problem with premature ejaculation (PE) because I was so nervous about sex.  Since I’ve been squirting your product Tow Truck ® on my Adam's apple every morning, I know I’m going to get laid at least once during the day so I don’t worry about it any more.  It’s way better than the six years of therapy I had, and way cheaper.

Les Ismore, Hundred Mile House, BC

I just say that I and my brother have played the professional hockey in Europe and both in Canada.  The Penalty Box® it smells like Canada to me but the smell is not the same in the European arena box.  Can you think of making a Euro Penalty Box for us?  I like to use the sexy Penalty Box® as a sandwich spread.  You are not using my real name and can not send my pictures.

[name and location withheld upon request]

[Dirty Boy replies: Penalty Box® is clearly labelled “External Use Only”.  Please do not eat Penalty Box® as it contains lead, hormones and cattle prions.  A Euro version is under development and should be ready for testing in early 2007.]

I’m totally down with your awesome stuff but your website is kind of gay.  I’m sending my picture but I want to make sure your customers don’t think I’m that way.  Anyhow, I use Tow Truck ®.  I just cannot believe how much action I get from the chicks.  This week one of them came over and did my laundry even after she knows I’m doing two friends of hers.  Bonus!  Before I got Tow Truck I was like invisible to women.   I just wish the dudes would keep their hands off me though.  There’s this one at welding school that keeps begging me, what’s with that?    I’m not complaining, but is that a side effect or something?

Bob Frappels, San Jose, CA

[Dirty Boy replies: Our research chemist emphasizes that Dirty Boy is formulated in all six products to produce a 750% increase in olfactory cue response triggering sexual desire.  This response is not gender specific.]