How Hard Can It Be?

Dear Cory:

What’s the deal with mobile phones?

-- Old-fashioned in Fresno


Dear Old-Fashioned:

You don’t know how many long hours Cory has lain awake at night praying to be asked this question. The attentive reader will have noted that while dispensing previous advice, Cory described cell-phones as the hideous spawn of the Industrial Revolution. He now thinks he was too kind. They are obviously the work of Beelzebub, and are richly illustrative of the rotting of our society.

Who has not cozied up to a cup of fragrant coffee over a newspaper only to have his meditations disturbed by an electronic rendition of “Halls of Montezuma” followed by one half of a moronic conversation shrieked into a tiny piece of plastic? Who has not been nearly demolished in his sturdy vehicle by a driver making an inept left turn with one arm because the other is engaged by his telephone?

There is an inverse correlation between frequency of mobile phone use and charisma. For instance, if you are a pimp or a low-end drug dealer (and Cory is certain that none of his readers is), you are charisma-challenged and you need a mobile telephone, since your business is conducted on the streets. Fair enough. Otherwise, your use of a mobile phone should be limited to two occasions.

The first is when your car breaks down on a deserted country road, you have been unable to engage the burly locals to help you despite your charisma, and you wish to summon an Adonis in coveralls: by all means retrieve your mobile telephone from the trunk, where it has lain undisturbed since your last car breakdown. The second is when you are unavoidably detained by your car breaking down on a deserted country road, you are transfixed by the mechanic laboring over your car’s engine, and in a short, humble and apologetic call, you advise your rustic host that you will be late for dinner.

Cory is willing to admit there may be other legitimate occasions for mobile telephone use he might not have thought of. He invites readers to submit other scenarios for his consideration.

Let’s review:

1. You are a parasitic low-life and no-one expects manners: mobile phone use ok.

2. You are a decent, well-mannered person who manages life so as to dwell mindfully in the here-and-now, who is aware of his neighbours’ needs for privacy, and who has enough control over his affairs that emergencies seldom arise: mobile phone use not ok. If that is too complicated to remember, here’s a rule of thumb: ask yourself if this would be a good place to urinate. If the answer is no, then it’s not a good place to use a mobile phone.