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Hey dude,
My question is this: can a straight guy say, “Oh, that is so gay" or "That looks so gay"?
You'd be very proud of me. I've been watching a few gay movies: Bent, about a German POW, and Angels in America (straight guy married to nutcase, discovers he's gay; gay guy abandons lover when he gets AIDS, still engages in anonymous sex in park).
The other question is symbology: these "bear paw" things or "rainbow" stickers on cars. There's an urban legend amongst us heteros that these are gay signals. You being an insider, of course, I'd expect you to know and explain it all to me.
I've also seen in rural waysides guys with their arm out the window either stroking the side of the window frame or with a nonchalantly raised middle finger. More signals for hot bathroom sex?
So, here is my right-wing taunt, STAY AWAY FROM ANONYMOUS BATHROOM SEX!!! It really feeds the negative image of the gay lifestyle, and just because you're incapable of getting pregnant, it does not liberate you from the psychological dangers of false intimacy and, of course, disease. (Fast-acting new strain of HIV may have been discovered in NY, in a guy on crystal meth sex rampage!)
OK, write back soon. I need to read someone who knows how to use grammar rightly.
Manly handshake,
Uncle B
Dear Uncle B:
You pose many questions, which Cory will struggle manfully to address, using grammar for its intended purposes. Of course a straight guy can say, “That looks so gay” or, “Oh, that is so gay”. Whether he should or not is quite another matter; if he’s out of his teenage years, certainly not. It’s natural for male adolescents to grapple with their sexuality, especially when their closest friends are sagging, showing off their cute boxers and taping Queer Eye for the Straight Guy so they don’t miss any of Kyan’s grooming tips. It’s natural for adolescent males to wrestle around with their buds and get rigid members so doing, and it’s natural for them to be confused by the contradictory and hypocritical messages they hear about homosexuality. So, as they struggle to define masculinity for themselves, what’s out and what’s in is defined in stereotypical gay/straight terms.
Mature metrosexual men realize that everyone loses by such dualistic rules, and that men should feel free to invent themselves moment by moment. If you can shoot a moose, you might also want to prepare a stunning balsamic blueberry sauce to accompany its muscles served on a platter. You might want to follow your secret hankering to know what it’s like to blow a guy, and not feel guilty or labeled as you wipe your chin. Nothing you do can erase your masculinity, so enjoy it!
Uncle B, I commend you for widening your own boundaries of masculinity by watching gay-themed films.
It’s no urban myth that those rainbow stickers signify the vehicle’s owner is gay. It’s how we signal to each other across a culturally alien landscape. As you hurtle about in your big, butch truck, give us rainbow types the thumbs-up, blow us a kiss, chat us up at a rest stop and give to our favorite charities.
The bear paw thing is more problematical. It signals that the owner is gay, is inclined to lust after “bears”: very large males with a great deal of body hair, shaved heads, and, heaven forfend, big bushy moustaches. This is plainly a niche market. If you’re young, have lots of body hair, and aspire to eat enough cheeseburgers to one day achieve beardom, then you are a “cub”.
Further to gay signaling, let me mention the hankie code. For decades gay men tried to let prospective sexual partners know their fetishes, predilections and paraphilias by wearing colour-coded hankies in the right or left back pockets of their Shrink-to-Fit Levi’s 501s. Alas, like many gay things, it got out of hand: too many things to signal and not enough shades in the spectrum. Gay venues are usually light-challenged (sometimes for very good reasons) and the cones in the retinae cannot cope with such subtlety. Imagine the confusion that ensued as….oh, Cory will spare you that part.
As to those signals you’ve observed at rest stops: Cory is in awe of your observational powers and wishes that people were stroking and raising their fingers frantically when he is in the parking lot. The phrase “rural wayside” is evocative, with its hint of the wayward. You must be very alluring for such naughtiness to break out around you. Are you sure you didn’t dream that part? Sadly, your scribe cannot answer you with any certainty, but please continue to take notes during your fetes champetres.
Now Cory must be stern: being gay is not a lifestyle. Being a surfing dude or an adult baby could be considered a lifestyle. Gay people have gayness thrust upon them and must cope as best they can; they try to make a life.
Many gay people, and Cory is among them, do not subscribe to the idea that happiness is arrived at by behaving in ways that earn the approval of straight people. Any liberation achieved, that is, any share in the North America hogged by straights, has been gained by sacrifice, argument, violence, rage and death. The aforementioned hogging meant there were neither places for gay people to congregate nor support for their relationships. The understandable result was sex in parks and washrooms, and fragmented sexuality. Who can blame gays for being a little retro about this now? At Cory’s gymnasium, there used to be a sign warning against “indiscriminate behaviour” in the steam room. How cheering to report that gay complaints brought down the sign. We’re not going to be cowed, straight boy! If you’re against “false intimacy” it behooves you to be logically consistent and get your ass down to your elected representative and tell him or her in no uncertain terms to support gay relationships up to and including marriage. Then we’ll debate washroom sex.
While Cory is for indiscriminate behaviour in many ways, there is no defending the spread of HIV. To the point was a full-page announcement in a San Francisco gay newspaper: Barebacking is a Hate Crime. Barebacking, for my more protected readers, is anal sex without a condom (and usually without knowledge of HIV status).
May Cory commend you for your curiosity and firm handshake?
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