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Dear Cory:
Olay's latest skin goo has in its odious advertising the astonishing claim that it has been "proven to effect a remarkable beauty transformation". Has the scientific method come to this? What is a "remarkable beauty transformation" anyhow? Can you help?
Skeptical College Kid
Dear Kid:
When Cory was in college young men satisfied themselves with drinking beer and affecting poses of acute disdain; he congratulates you on your inquiring mind. You are right: the "scienticians", as Cory’s friend Sandy Osborne cannily observed, have taken over from the scientists. Tiresome experimentation has been replaced by crystals, advertising, "breakthroughs" and a resurgence of belief in alchemy and magic.
You will notice that drug companies, for example, now market their dubious chemicals directly to patients, thus by-passing the doctor-scientist. To vivify for yourself just how frightening this concept is, imagine going to your dumb neighbour and asking him what he’s seen on television that might be good for your high blood-pressure. We are no longer interested in actual proof or fact or reality, we just want to be led in the direction of our wishes. We want to believe it, so it must be true!
Perhaps, Kid, you are also wondering how the Olay folks "proved" such a thing. Why, through clinical trials, of course. The ads perhaps went something like this:
“A leading cosmetics firm requires individuals to participate in Phase III clinical trials to determine the effectiveness of a new product which has been shown to "effect a remarkable beauty transformation" in Phase II studies of rats bred for intractable facial ugliness.
In this controlled, double-blind study, participants may receive
experimental product or placebo. The remarkable beauty transformations noted in Phase II trials were in the direction of beautification, but in humans there is a slight chance such transformations may occur in reverse direction, that is, from beauty to ugliness. Other non-therapeutic effects may occur: some rats experienced abject veneration or feelings of omnipotence; suicide was common in the control group (57.7%, n = 993).
We anticipate that there may be pressure for trials to be halted before
completion in the event of extreme beauty transformations among the clinical group. In no case will we administer the product to the control group and end the trial prematurely. Although we recognize the temporary humanitarian value of such action, we believe the revelation of remarkable beauty transformations in ALL of our potential customers will be served by Phase III completion.
Accepted applicants will receive a complimentary beauty assessment,
counselling, cotton swabs, a "jewelled" hand mirror.”
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