|
Dear Cory:
I am a tall, athletic, lovely woman, soon to be forty, and have certain questions. You have fine judgment (I think you yourself have mentioned that) -- perhaps you will advise me romantically even though rumour has it that you only play the pink oboe. I was born and brought up in Switzerland, with all the sophistication, multi-lingualism and love of chocolate that implies. Now Canada is my home, where I think you also reside. Maybe we have passed on the street, who knows. But wait, if that had happened, es haette gefunkt, how do you say in English, there would have been an excitement spark between us, nicht wahr? I am a fan!
Canada has been wonderful to me. Despite the fact that I have been unemployed for some time, the government benefits here -- so generous -- have allowed me continue a rather luxurious lifestyle: decorating my condominium, pursuing my interest in environmentally sound housing, and taking long vacations to Europe. Canada is the best. But I feel a bit guilty about the taxpayers’ largesse and have recently, to cultivate humility, returned to work. My friends adore me, as I do them. No one here knows that I am the sole heiress to a large European pharmaceutical fortune (I cannot say which one, but it’s hyphenated).
What can be the problem, you are probably wondering. Well, dear Cory, into every life some shadows must fall. I’d like to settle down, and Canadian men, while handsome, sweet-minded and incredibly masculine (even the gay ones), they are not, on average, as tall as I am. What can you suggest to me as I enter my forties and contemplate an end to my singlehood?
Svelte, Tall, Unattached, Modern, Passionate, Educated Dreamgirl
Dear STUMPED:
While coming to Cory for advice on straight dating might seem, at first glance, like asking Herr Doktor Doktor Heinrich (Henry) Kissinger for tips on voice modulation, it’s not as insane as it sounds. Cory can cast the eye of detachment and cool appraisal both on the black and white glamour shots you enclosed and on your problem.
You are gorgeous, there’s absolutely no doubt about that. Being imminently rich doesn’t hurt your cause either, but a smart woman will want to make sure she’s loved for herself, not for her millions of Euros, so it’s wise to keep that legacy secret -- it can be a lovely surprise for your mate later on.
Cory knows Canadian men, intimately, and that includes some straight ones. He loves to be around their sweet natures, their noisy hockey games, their rugged good looks. Testosterone comes off them in waves, or possibly particles: Cory is no physicist. Alas, there is a little problem -- Canadian men are into the good time and the short time. They are distracted by any shiny or pink object that comes into their field of vision and have the attention span of hummingbirds: always zipping to the next thing. They make great playmates but poor mates. Don’t take it personally, Cory implores you.
When next the Canadian taxpayer collective funds your trip to Europe, please visit Holland for an extended period. You may not be aware that Dutch men are the tallest on earth (average height 6’1”, which is well over two inches taller than North American men). Just how they accomplish this excess of verticality on a diet of pastry, coffee and overcooked hotpots is worthy of a rich research grant. Cory loves railways, and while riding the trains in Holland had to pick his way through aisles full of sprawled male legs that wouldn’t fit in the seats’ legroom. Imagine how dizzying Cory found this. Dutch men are polished, capable of seriousness, and have the most delectable complexions.
You know where this is going, STUMPED. Canucks are short, you must import. Select a tall, rugged, multilingual Dutch stud – one with big hands, big feet, oh, big appendages in general, and bring him home. Dutch men also love the outdoors, and it’s certainly their turn to seek Lebensraum, if you get Cory’s drift. The fact that you have unlimited access via your citizenship to the Canadian wilderness will only add to your considerable appeal.
Please invite Cory to your wedding – he’ll bring treats.
|
