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O Revered Mr. Cory:
I am but an unreconstructed fag of the late '60s and '70s genre, who knows most of the key sex words of his generation (verily, even much of the arcane Hanky Code), but am baffled by current Gangbangsprache. Can You, O Knowing One, shed any light on key terms in the appended solicitation from the pages of craigslist? Some words ring true; others simply puzzle. Do community colleges offer courses in relearning English as a Sexy Language?
looking for bator buddy – 29
29 y/o GAM, 5'7", 130, slim/toned, 6" cut, looking for guys who are into chronic bating, edging, gooning and doing it with a bud. porn + lube + dick + 420 + j/o bud = good times. pics to trade tho attitude more important than appearances.
Yr humble, etc…
All Confusulated
Dear AC:
Cory is charmed by your writing style and humbled by your referring to him in terms suitably applied to a holy relic. He can see how the cryptic advertisement you attach might make an experienced gay man pine for the pre-text-message era, when eyeballing was favoured over keyboarding, and brightly-coloured handkerchiefs signaled sexual preferences where obscene gestures failed. You may recall a response to a reader wherein Cory alluded to the Hanky Code’s demise caused by a host of paraphilias coming of the closet and crowding the spectrum, making it all but impossible to distinguish fetishes in the dusky venues homosexuals frequent.
Craigslist.org is an internet elegy to free trade in all its dimensions on which people have been known to advertise for sex, protected readers should know. It is one of thousands of electronic ways in which one can meet romantic or sexual partners. In practice, moving mating and sex into the realm of electrons makes it more likely that you will be exposed to rudeness (it’s easier when one is anonymous), to stupendous mendacity (what are they thinking, that you don’t own a tape measure?) and that you will spend much more time at it than you would at your local gay bar (where the visual and olfactory are hugely helpful in narrowing the choices). This is not progress, nor is it efficient.
Cory is now going to translate the message you have quoted into standard English. In the square brackets you will find helpful definitions and things you should be thinking about for your safety and sanity -- Cory is nothing if not protective of his readers’ sensibilities and innocence.
“I am Looking for a Man With Whom to Masturbate:
I am a 29 year old [statistically, more people than actuarial tables would confirm have internet ages which end in 9. Probably this man is already past 30] male homosexual of Asian extraction, 5’ 7” in height, weighing 130 lbs. I am slim [redundant] and have some muscle tone [vague]; my penis is 6 inches in length [measuring protocol is not mentioned: since this measurement is above average, it should be doubted] and I was circumcised. I am a compulsive masturbator who seeks others similarly inclined with whom to engage ["j/o bud": a buddy with whom to "jerk off"]. As we masturbate together, we should like to repeatedly approach and withdraw from the threshold of orgasmic inevitability [“edging”], and be prone to so losing ourselves in masturbating that our entire consciousness is focused on the process [“gooning”, or as they say in Sex Addicts Anonymous, being “in the bubble”: unaware of one’s surroundings]. As adjuncts to this activity, I like pornography, personal lubricants [well, yes, he has no foreskin and compulsive masturbating without one is rough on the penis], smoking cannabis [“420”] and believe that these things together constitute a good time. I have pictures of myself to exchange for pictures of you prior to our meeting, but the attitude we each bring to this event is more important than appearances [this is likely code for “I am not very good looking”, since attitude is a difficult thing to assess; it could also mean ‘If you’re stoned and “gooned” enough you will forget I’m not good looking’]”
Cory hopes this helps you in your quest, but respectfully suggests that this advertiser is arrested psychologically at age 13, so you might adjust expectations accordingly.
Offering an ESL course in a community college about e-parlance and the benefits and pitfalls of cruising online seems a worthy endeavour! Cory would be happy to advise on curriculum or make a cameo appearance, given the receipt of a first-class rail ticket.
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