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Dear Cory:
Will Mitt Romney be the first gay Republican Mormon presidential candidate?
Uncle B
Dear Uncle B:
Cory thanks you, a regular correspondent from the United States, for your loaded question. Deconstructing such queries is what keeps him interested in living; the ego parade of U.S. politics, now reduced to such formulaic blandness, does not. Ever indulgent, however, Cory will not only predict the future, but attempt to explain the bizarre phenomenon of Mitt Romney as well. We had best deal with this quickly, as Mitt Romney is speeding, almost certainly, to the dustbin of history.
Attentive readers will know that the terms gay and Republican are not mutually exclusive. Apparently, there are those gays who do not mind fascism, as long as they can profit from sucking on one of the many hind teats of unregulated “free” enterprise. The term gay cannot be applied to Mitt Romney, though. If you have ever been visited by a pair of earnest, corn-finished Mormon youths, you will have been struck by the degree to which hormones can be vanquished by crackpot creeds: your mind must inevitably compensate for this by imagining alternative activities for the poor, bored creatures. Perhaps it is such a closety, repressed vibration that makes you think Mitt Romney is gay. But if you have direct evidence, please call Wolf Blitzer and share; Cory will be man enough to admit he’s wrong.
Mitt Romney believes that one can hold private religious views that have nothing to do with the public policies he supports. This used be called “phoney” -- a stance accounting for Romney’s many contradictions. To stay with the gay theme, he is for gay rights and the military policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”; against gay marriage and judges who seek to redefine marriage to include gays; for housing and credit benefits for gay couples (the aforementioned hind teat); has said “If we are to achieve the goals we share, we must make equality for gays and lesbians a mainstream concern”; supports a constitutional amendment limiting marriage to heterosexuals; believes that same-sex unions undermine support for the traditional family. This repellant mass of contradictions is of course related to the fact he has opposed Senator Ted Kennedy -- and doesn’t want the gay vote to go to Kennedy -- and that he also wants to court conservative and “christian” Brownshirts. His shifts of position on many controversial issues suggest multiple personality disorder or, more likely, extreme opportunism and lack of principle.
Sadly, Cory must admit that Romney is quite good looking (is this why you think he’s gay?). The fact that he utterly lacks sex appeal will not be an obstacle to many people finding him “presidential” when they are really seeing “superficial”. This is the wild card, Uncle B. Since Bush has escaped impeachment, Cory is forced to admit that anything is possible in U.S. politics – yet regarding Romney’s candidacy, the phrase “outlook not so good” swims up in the magic 8-ball of your scribe’s mind.
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Comments
Your perception and insight cannot be denied. How well you can read this straight boy! It's uncanny. The yoke of mormon oppression can only lead me to believe that individual expression can only manifested in some sort of sexual rebellion and liberation
But seriously....
Now, I know there is nothing more offensive than an "offended" christian, and mormonism is about as credible a "religion" as islam, BUT... I feel, as an atheist/agnostic immersed in the world of faithful nutjobs, that I must comment on a few items and I'll try to make them as humourous as I can.
Apparent "position shifting", aka flip-flopping, on gay issues is really an attempt at reconciling the idea of religious sacraments with individual rights. And I don't think this struggle is disingenuous, although if everyone would simply renounce their faith in magic, life could be so much simpler. But the internal struggle is this: sacraments are church laws and rituals. By definition this is very clubby. And it is within the rights of the club to decide who's in and who's out. And gay is definitely out in fundamentalist religions, no matter whose bible you use. And the final solution to the gay problem for these christian/jewish/muslim/mormon cults is to send them to the hellfire they so richly deserve.
At which point we've entered the realm of individual rights, not the club rights. No one deserves to be executed for their faith or sexual or gender orientation. It is a founding principle of anything you may wish to call Western Civilization. And even republicans accept this, which is why they are so utterly offended when you whip out your glib references to "brownshirts" and fascists.
In fact the whole country would be better off if the right stopped calling the left reds and commies and the left stopped calling the right fascists and brownshirts. Although we reserve the right to ridicule the feckless Ted Kennedy at every opportunity. And the stigma of fascism far outweighs the murderous lunacy of the communist ideal. But the body count is an order of magnitude higher on the left.
Utah may be Jonestown without the kool-aid, but to my knowledge there are no ovens there and to equate it with a concentration camp belittles the Holocaust and the millions on the left and right who died ending it.
I do agree with Cory's assessment. Mitt will go nowhere despite the overflowing coffers. My ouija board tells me that the US election will go to Obama and the republicans will sacrifice Rudy or Fred Thompson at this altar.
UncleB
Incidentally, having been visited by a single earnest, corn-finished Mormon youth on numerous occasions, I feel qualified to say that lugging about the sacred word of Joseph Smith is in no way a guarantee of vanquished hormones. In fact, the lad in question very efficiently (and persuasively) quoted Mormon scripture when convincing me that I should assist him in his desperate quest to abandon his virginity.
Otherwise, keep on slagging the Log Cabineers. It's bad enough to be a fascist, but to potentially facilitate your own deportation to a Republican concentration camp in exchange for tax breaks is simply inexcusable.
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